Now before my friends and family call me to “talk me down of a bridge”, I’m not on a bridge and I’m ok today!
I’ve had a few of my blogger friends contact me and we chatted about depression, and how we dont realise how many people suffer with it until we talk about it, and how we need to talk more about it to help others not feel so alone. So I’m just typing, like a purge of thoughts so to speak. Also I like putting thoughts out there as it puts things in perspective for me. Like when you take everything out of your cuboards and pack them back in neatly. Organizing. Yes that’s it, I’m just organizing this broken head of mine.
I saw a quote, Depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die and I dont know who said this but as someone that is firmly in depressions iron grip I can confirm it to be true.
I struggle everyday to get up and live among the “happy/normal” people. People that are just getting on with their lives. Sometimes I wish I was stupid and ignorant on how the world works. I wish I couldn’t see the liars and manipulators, the ulterior motives and just be in the moment and enjoy it for what it is.
I always think things like why is he being nice to me what does he want? And why did she let me go first what will she gain? Or when a friend calls me out of the blue I think that they must need something from me and they cant possibly just want my conversation. Maybe I’ve been taken advantage of too many times in my life that now I’m unable to see the good in myself so I never think that someone could just want my company? I never think good things about myself and that makes me think bad about others. I dont know I’m doing this at the time, I really don’t. It’s just I suppose a case of the lowest self esteem ever. I never think people would want to be nice to me or that I deserve for people to be nice to me.
I over think everything, every relationship, every conversation, every situation I’m ever in and I beat myself up playing scenes over and over in my head days after the fact. So when I see people do things without thinking like love so easily, accept others with no further thought, I wish I could be like that.
I wish the “what if” voice in my head would shut the fuck up already.
When I wake up on weekends I just want to cry and go back to sleep and its not that I dont want to spend time with my children. It really isn’t. I love them with all my soul. Its just that on weekends I have no desk to hide behind, no work to keep my brain occupied. I have to think about things, make decisions in my own life and that’s hard because I have zero faith in myself so my brain just wants to roll over and die. Give up. Now if any of my work colleagues read that they would not believe I wrote it because at work I take the bull by the horns, like lead team members, make decisions, teach courses. But in my own life I feel like a hopeless failure and I just want to disappear, and its physically exhausting.
But to wrap this up id like to say that it helps me so much seeing a psychologist. To those thinking of seeing one but then thinking all sorts of things like its a weak thing to do, blab to a stranger. And that they couldn’t possibly help you. They can I promise! Talking to someone outside of your life circle means there is nothing to hide. You won’t see them outside of their office, they don’t judge you on what you say, and if you get a good one they shouldn’t agree with everything you say either. I mean if my psych agreed with everything i said then how would I work things out? My psych will sometimes say but you know, you might have been unreasonable in that situation, and then when I think on it truthfully I agree. That kind of objectivity is priceless. It’s like having your mothers voice in your head talk out loud, and not shout and judge you, haha.
I wrote a post about my psychologist before called My Psychologist hands out sticks! and she really does. She hands me sticks to fight my way through life with, and yeah I pay her but I really can’t explain how much she does for me. To anyone suffering with depression, anxiety or just having bad thoughts, go see a psychologist. You don’t have to tell anyone, keep it to yourself. It’s for you and you alone. And yes you do deserve to be happy!! And heck if you go and just cry the whole session then that’s ok. They won’t judge you.
My mom had a bumper sticker on her car when we were growing up and it said, Follow me its better for us to be lost together! Hahahaha true? Yeah I think so, so if you would like to write to me I won’t judge you either.
Much loves, from the Strawberry Cat.