What’s the fastest way to a mans heart? Most people say through his stomach, I say through his chest with a sharp knife.
My mother says I really need to get an iron and ironing board to iron my sons school shirts, and I’m like yeah, I need an iron as badly as I need a hole in my head. Irons are medieval torture devices for woman and I refuse to partake in such savageness.
Wrestling, a sport where people without pants fight for a belt.
People always comment to me that my little lady looks just like me, and I reply with “shame poor child”. With a straight face, and I mean it.
Adam and eve have belly buttons in all pictures of them ever made, think about that. Take as much time as you need.
When you go to the store with a trolley full of groceries and the cashier asks you if you want a bag with that. Um no ill put it all in my fucking pocket.
Funny how when you bump into someone you know in the supermarket and they ask you, “hey, what are you doing here?”. Umm.. It’s pretty obvious, hunting for elephants.