I think I might be very broken…

That’s it I’m broken. My stupid body doesn’t want to stay awake. I feel like I have sleeping beauty syndrome, except I’m ugly and I’m awake… Grrr

Also, I think I’ve lost a little weight which of course means I’m dying because I never lose weight. I could go on a cabbage diet where I eat cabbage and suck socks for flavor and I’d still not lose weight. So something must be up. My soul is tired and I know I’ve said this a few times so I apologize for whining. But Zzzzz

I’m falling asleep as I type. I really need to do some research into extreme tiredness. I hope its not something serious… but then something inside me does. I think I’m ready to check out of this life. I’m not suicidal or anything no, so don’t call the cops, but I could die now and Id be ok with that. Driving to work this morning and the windows in my car misted up and I got stressed because I couldn’t get the demister to work and then I thought, well if I have an accident and die that’s ok. And then I thought WOW do I mean that.. And I realized, yes, yes I do. That’s how tired my soul is. Like I’m just done pretending. Done acting “normal”. This going out in the world everyday is blinking exhausting.

Why couldn’t I have been born into a sickeningly rich family or married for money? But noooooo 22 year old me married for love and not money so I really stuffed my chances of being a wealthy socialite who doesn’t have to work. Ah Bootstraps.

I’m trying really hard today to see the funny side to my day, my life. I might sound funny and sarcastic in my posts, but I’m not really funny. Don’t think I’m this cheerful person who is dealing well with life’s nuances, I’m not. I’m very stressed and tired and I cry alot and when its all said and done I come here and write it down. To make myself feel better about things. Because writing these things down makes me put my day into perspective and see the fun side, the happy side that I didn’t and don’t see at the time. And then sometimes I catch myself thinking hey, my life’s not so bad.

But I am sarcastic, yes, In my everyday life, Haha, but its my cover. My shield in my life. If I was a super hero I would be, SARCASTIC GIRL! Shoots humor and sarcasm from her mouth to wound her victims and dim the pain!

So I’m not having a very good start to my day today, and I could really use a friend to just say, “Don’t worry it will all be ok”. And I know that’s fluff that we say to cheer people up, because just saying it doesn’t make it true, but I think I could really use that right now. Fluff.

I hate you dark cloud. Oh how I hate you.

 

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