I’ll be there, oh wait no I won’t..

Depression.. It’s the most devastating silent disease. Some days I’m here with bells on making tequila shots and dancing, and other days I’m in bed under the covers willing myself to die. Just fall asleep and never wake up. Not literally making tequila shots but you know what I mean. Happy and shit. Those days are few and far between lately, I’ve never been so tired in all my life. I just can’t sleep enough.

And then there are the days I wish I had friends. Friends to visit and socialise with and then I think no, I can’t have friends because friends are a lot of work and most of the time I just want to get home from work and hide. Sleep. And then I think well someone must care enough about me to understand that I can’t always deal with being around people, but no one does understand. Because it isn’t normal you see, in the eyes of society. To one day be a total recluse and want to sleep all day and the next want to socialise and talk.

Small talk is the worst thing, I hate small talk. Meaningless chattering with people you will never see again, people that don’t care about you. I have a low tolerance for bullshit. Just tell me what you need from me and I’ll give you an answer. Don’t come with oh but I was hoping this or wondering that. Can you do this? Do you have this? Get to the point and quickly. What do they call that? Mean, rude, short tempered? I call it life is short, spend it talking to people you actually want to talk to.

It’s not that I don’t want to meet new people; it’s not that I don’t care about others, I do care very much. I’m just not capable of much human interaction. It makes a lonely life when you are like this and no one understands you. People think you are rude and don’t bother with you. When in actual fact I’m lonely, heart wrenchingly lonely and longing for someone to just hold my hand on the bad days and say its ok you don’t have to say a thing, I understand.

I’d rather say things that matter and care for those select few people that care about me. Quality over quantity I think. Ever heard that saying? In some situations it makes perfect sense. Like in this instance with people and time and life and breath. But then when it comes to nachos, well … I’ll settle for quantity over quality, ha-ha.

But seriously there are people that take things like this too personally. Like oh bitch she doesn’t want to talk to me, listen to what I have to say today. And it isn’t that at all, it’s just that on those days I don’t even care what I think, I don’t care what I have to say never mind anyone else. And it’s not something that can be turned off. People often say, Ag just snap out of it man there is nothing wrong with you. But until those demons, the dark depression demons have lived in your head and on your heart for a while you will never know the feeling. And they are heavy, physically heavy. Imagine you have a bullet proof vest on and its squeezing tight, and you have to walk around and talk to people and carry on a normal day with a vest that’s getting tighter as the day goes on. You can’t, you can’t.

It’s not that I don’t want to make more friends, it’s that I can’t even take care of the friends I have now. The 1 or 2. Some people just aren’t capable of having many people around. Some days I think wow wouldn’t it be nice to have a huge friendship base, you know people you really have things in common with. And then I think no, because I’m only capable of being there sometimes, and other times I need to retreat into my dark hole to recoup. There are so many “down” days that when there are “up” days there is too much catching up to do with the people that are already there. The people that do care. To show them that you see them and appreciate them. There is no time for new people. And so you just make do with the people you have in a sense. Whether they truly care about you or not. There is just no time to find new people. People are hard work.

Heck I’ve got a lot to live for and I mean a lot.  I’m not rich with money but wow am I rich with family. I have 2 wonderfully happy children (most of the time) and a mother who means the world to me. My mom is my best friend, and I mean that in the way of I can tell her anything, ask her anything, there are no bars held with us. A husband who sometimes understands. I don’t say that in a bad way, I love him very much it’s just that it’s hard to understand this, the way I feel. I get that. 2 brothers who I hardly see anymore, but when I do see them I love it so much as they both remind me of my dad in some ways. They both have my dad’s sense of humour. Some days, on good days I do too. And I love that. But then there are the days where I don’t have any humour, I have the dark demon sitting on my chest making me want to cry out loud like a little child. Sob uncontrollably and nothing and no one can make it go away. Only sleep. The demons don’t worry me when I sleep. I’m alone then, I can shut my eyes and shut them out.

And so to wrap it up, some days I say I will be there, I will be present. And then the darkness will come, and I can’t, I physically can’t be there. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry to all the people in my life who this affects. I’m sorry.

To the people who care about me, know the broken me and still give a damn. I know who you are, and I love you for it, and you deserve to feel loved back, but I can’t. Please know that when I can, I will.

Much loves,

Me and … stupid over here.

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3 thoughts on “I’ll be there, oh wait no I won’t..

    1. They don’t I agree. My husband person tries his very best, but then sometimes Im sure he just wishes I would snap out of it, and gets cross because it seems extreme and unwarranted to him. My mom is awesome though, she doesn’t suffer with depression, but she gets it. Im lucky to have her.

      Liked by 1 person

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